Not my longest meditation streak (I did 365 days in 2017), but nonetheless I’m very happy with the result. Got back into meditation, as I tend to do after some months, in the last quarter of the year - when things got hard and being more aware of things, people, mind and self was needed. Becoming an early riser has really solidified my practice, too.

Not every day is an amazing day of tranquil calm. The dog barks, I get interrupted, I nod off, I can’t sit still. Does meditation even change anything? Do things get better through it? And at the same time it satisfies a part of my self that longs for exploring spiritual ideas. I am not religious. But I sometimes think I would like to be, in a sense.

The biggest fascination in that regard is the feeling of absence of anything greater. That might sound sad. And indeed I cried about it once or twice in the past when I could feel this absence while having a particularly intense meditation session. But those tears were tears of insight. And that great absence I felt was freeing and in a way maybe that spiritual connection I was longing for. This must sound crazy. But the absence just made it more obvious, clear, that we - the beings and things in contrast to that absence - are indeed all there is.

Meditation is often way more banal than this. Often it’s just a reminder of my ability to show up and do something that stays vague as regards to its meaning, benefit to my observational skills, positive or negative impact on me and my suroundings - many unexpected challenges in life have this quality. Its opaque paradoxical nature is fascinating and I think this is why I continue to do it.